one million and one

Welcome to the culmination of a million attempts to drag a post out of the swirling vortex of confusion which is my mind. I've tried and tried to put into words my current train of thought but am failing miserably, mostly because I don't know what I think myself. The optimistic side is seeing the way things could work out, the cynic doesn't believe in happy ever after and the pessimist seems to fight through and take control.

But they say time gives perspective, so prepare for the wobbly screen as we travel back through some of the highs and lows of the relationship that led to this point (and the longest post) : cue weird time travel type music, plants shrinking and other associated special effects.

The Year: 2000

The Place: The Unreality of High School

17 and after oh about 6 months of skirting the issue, comic flirting and general sick making displays we celebrate the end of the school year in traditional fashion, a pub crawl starting the second school lets out. After a few drinks in the local bars we walk to our regular haunts, normally this would take around 20 min, me and the feller took so long they sent out search parties! Who of course failed to spot us, being too busy looking under bushes to notice us walking fully clothed, sorry people no gratuitous sex scene here, up the street. Though the conversation did stray repeatedly to the fact that 'my balls hurt'. The romance! The end of the night and this is before every teen had a Mobile phone (not much before mind I got mine the next Christmas) and he promises to call at 11 the next day and we'd do something. Knowing the alcohol consumption I find this unlikely.... but still (and to this day I've never admitted this to him) I was up dressed and debasing my normally tom boy self made-up and sitting by the phone by 11:02.

12:30 he finally calls!!!! (Though he admitted in drunken soft moment recently it had taken him about 45 min to work up the guts to call, bless) And so a high school romance is born, its hardly Bronte but still............

There were the usual teenage spats but a year later off we went to Uni, and home for Christmas and the inevitable break-up. We were young no real blame, no real surprise. The recriminations got a bit nasty though and we stopped speaking.

And in the background, judging me, was Mummy-Dear!

Fast forward a few years and I'm about to turn 21, a lifetime of events for another day have gone by and I'm studying Drama at a local college before making my second attempt at Uni. A long day after a very late night led me into the place of all evil or McDonald's due to a general couldn't be bothered to buy food and had nothing in the cupboards type scenario. I sat down with one of their crispy chicken salads and book, when from next to me a voice says 'Hi'. I look up and see the fella blocking my escape route, looking round my only weapons are 4 cherry tomatoes (which we both hate) and a plastic fork. With no recourse I reply. He'd been in line a few people behind me with his Mum (who incidentally hates me) getting a Happy Meal for his niece who wasn't feeling well. 20 min later he's still sat at my table chatting when Mummy-Dear appears at the window looking for him. The rest as the say is history. He told me a few months later he'd been stood in line thought 'nice ass, wait I know that ass.' How should one respond?

BUT, its also the start of many problems, he as now was living up north and had returned for his summer after uni before going back, I had another year of my course and Uni to follow. I trawled up every month 7 hours on the bus each way! He spent Saturdays doing Tae Kwon Do and going for a pint afterwards while I cleaned up after his flatmates. He came home at Christmas, and for one of my shows. There was also another girl, he'd been sleeping with her behind her boyfriends back (out of character in his defence) a few months previous to our meeting. She took umbrage to him not being at her beck and call and began sending text about what I can only assume was her premature dementure as she kept forgetting to put on underwear. I found these when he'd not spoken more than two words to me for three days, I shouldn't have looked, they shouldn't have been there to find. He apologised, saw her on a night out, she tried it on, I found out blah blah blah. The twist is she knew how to play him, I don't do girly can't look after myself, he has a saving people complex. She played the girly card he ran to her aid, I went insane. That was a 4 month interlude, he says nothing happened I believe him. There was a lot of good stuff too.

And in the background, judging me, was Mummy-Dear!

Somewhere in all this he'd proposed I'd accepted. We argued I wanted small and intimate he wanted a circus. The time for my move to uni and for us to move in together had arrived, but for several weeks I'd been saying it wasn't such a good idea, my Uni was only two hours from where he was living, with the problems we should take more time. The fella became temporally deaf.

We lasted a month.

This sounds like it was all bad and it really wasn't, but its the bad that leaves me in the state I'm in at the moment.

It was just after Christmas and I was nostalgic, so I e-mailed to see how he was. We kept in touch and as we were both in Wales at the same time met foe a drink....... And back on the same roller coaster again.

Now, comes the crux I get extra funding for my teacher training by doing it in Wales, so the plan was do it move up there. Of course pregnancy put pay to that, and originally he was going to move closer to here and I'd go with him so I still had options. In a moment of madness I said I'd move to the Steel City if no suitable work was forth coming. He stopped looking. I've been to the doctor and have masses of info, in two visits he's not even glanced at it. Even little things like he was going to get me a pregnancy belly bar haven't materialised. We've had a blazing 4 day row. He's admitted he in 'not very considerate' but he's 'trying to change'. 'will take more of an interest.' I don't know if I can believe him, move 200 miles to be with him and I'm worried I'm gonna be stuck at home, seeing no one while he carries on with his life.

And in the background, judging me, was Mummy-Dear! (and we haven't even told her yet)